You may already be familiar with Reddit. Have an interest? Reddit probably has a running discussion; it’s a treasure trove.
(Careful…it can be addicting. Hilarious kitty pics are hard to ignore.)
If you have Adoption connections, I’d like to recommend that you join the Adoption group* (sub).
If you’re part of the Adoption Triad (an individual who was adopted/fostered, an adoptive/foster parent or a biological parent) or if you’re considering fostering or adoption, it’s a great place to hang out.
Many members who were formerly adopted or in foster care provide excellent advice for adoptive/foster parents with honest questions. I won’t list user names because there are too many (and I’ll end up accidentally leave someone out), but believe me, if you have a concern, someone can help. It’s also a great place to talk with other parents in similar situations.
*I feel as though the sub has gotten a bad rap recently; if you get a negative response in one (or more) of the comments, just ignore it. Most of the time, individuals posting negative views are dropping in to stir the pot (you can click the user name to see their post history). Most of the truly active members are incredibly helpful and truly care about making life better for our kiddos.
Also, keep in mind that negative comments often source from a well of deep grief and loss, so if someone’s acting like a jerk, they are probably hurting.
Once again, Wendy’s and the super-fabulous Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption are raising money to help kids stuck in foster care.
Grab a drink, show some heart (with your hand!) and post a pic tagged with #share4adoption. Wendy’s will donate five bucks every time. SWEET.
In most cases, disrupted adoption happens quietly. The children are “moved” with little fanfare.
She requested a child with no problems, being a single mother. When the child had developmental delays—and then seizures—she returned the boy and went to court so the record would show she was not at fault (and the judge agreed).
She’s now looking for a 3 to 6 year old.
Many factors affect disruption, including
- placement instability
- multiple siblings
- special needs (behavioral or physical)
- parental expectations
Disruption of adoptions involving older children can be up to 25% higher than for children under 3 (several sources linked here noted lower stats but did not provide actual numbers).
Per the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the likelihood of disruption rises 6% for every year the child’s age increases. The chance of disruption also rises with multiple siblings of 2 or 3 (but surprisingly, drops when there are 4 or more siblings adopted).
Compared with an infant, a child older than four is 13 times more likely to have a disruption. Placement instability (the number of times a child is moved) also impacts a child’s ability to succeed in adoption.
The North American Council on Adoptable Children site recounts several stories of disruption stemming from out-of-control behavior.
You may know the “Disney effect” (young girls believe their prince will arrive, bringing “happily ever after,” then grow up disillusioned with their imperfect relationships).
Adoptive parents enter the arrangement with the same starry-eyed expectation. The “Jolie-Pitt family effect.” Just look at that beautiful, happy, diverse family! Adopting a bunch of kids will be AMAZING!
Sure, we all agree. We took the class and understand that kids have issues. But our family will be different. We’re going to change the world for one starfish.
(Pretty sure you’ve read that story, but if not…there’s the link.)
We will beat the odds. This kid will be different. Our love will overcome!
-Every Adoptive Parent, Ever
And then reality crashes down.
Part of the blame belongs with the agency facilitating the placement; in one survey, 45% of respondents said they did not receive all the information available about the child.
Some of the blame belongs simply on inexperience; it’s no one’s fault. Hubby and I attended many classes, read many books, researched like grad students. We had an idea of the trauma to come. None of it prepared us for the actual experience.
Imagine the difference:
- reading “Astronauting for Dummies”
- rocketing into space
It’s impossible to be prepared for all eventualities, but parents should receive all background information about a child before a placement and especially prior to adoption.
Our kids have multiple risk factors:
- placed as a group of two siblings,
- they were older children (then 5 & 7)
- moved seven times in 2.5 years (at least twice due to uncontrollable behavior)
- they needed services for physical issues (speech therapy, occupational therapy, heart surgery)
- both had severe behavioral problems requiring in-office counseling, in-home counseling and (for him) a dedicated behavioral aide during school hours
- social services did not provide full disclosure of the extent of their special needs
We not-so-affectionately dubbed our first two years, “HellonEarth” and “DefCon1,” respectively.
4.5 years from D-Day (D for Drop-off), we’re able to relax and “be a family” most of the time.
Hubby and I acknowledge that we contemplated disruption. Like other bright-eyed new foster parents, we had no concept of life with traumatized children. What saved our family? He and I never freaked out at the same time.
Throughout the summer of HellonEarth (I stopped working to be with the kiddos), I called Hubby every day around 4 pm, angry, frustrated, frazzled and tearful. He joked darkly to a friend that one day he’d come home to the three of us drowned in a bathtub.
Although drowning was never a true danger, there were definitely times I empathized with families who disrupt. He and I experienced weekly “step away from the cliff” moments in which one of us freaked out and the other played negotiator.
These conversations became sporadic during DefCon1, then obsolete.
By the adoption date, we had full knowledge of the meaning of “I will.” As we said those words, we’d already agreed that dissolution would never be an option.
We survived HellonEarth and DefCon1 thanks to
- multiple counselors
- support from our family and church
- Hubby’s tenacity and strength
- my hypervigilant attitude
- our unshakable faith that God put these kids in our lives and will continue to give us grace to deal with their (now occasional) insanity
I’d like to name this year “Cautiously Optimistic.”
There are still days (and weeks) of frustration, but we’ve invested our hearts. We tell our kids, “There’s no such thing as ‘un-adoption’ in this family.”
In heated moments, we remind each of them, “No matter how horrendous your behavior, regardless of what you say and do, and even when you destroy things like a wild hyena, we will never, EVER let you go. We will always love you.”
After almost five years, I think they finally believe it.
Up yours, statistics.
Coming soon—Part 2: Resources for Preventing Disruption