I have a love-hate relationship with playground swings.
More hate than love these days, since the unreasonable swing manufacturers refuse to make swings properly. Back when I was ten, they made the swings so much larger; a perfect fit with no pinched thighs…
The part of the arc that sails me up to the sky makes my heart soar. I defy gravity. I fly like a bird. I touch the clouds. I…
drop like a rock back to earth.
As everything below rushes up to meet me, as my stomach drops away, I grit my teeth and brace for impact.
Because once, on a cheap plastic yellow swing with a rusted chain, it happened.
Just as I realized my pinky had caught in a chain link, I fell. I don’t remember whether the seat cracked or the chain snapped, but I ended up on the ground with no nail on my pinky.
It never stopped me from swinging, but I can never fully enjoy the high of grinning madly while the wind tousles my hair.
I’m always waiting for the drop.
Having a child in residential care is a bit like taking a ride on a playground swing.
Highs, lows, devastation and recovery.
We get back on the swing, each ride a little more careful than the last.
Progress warrants rejoicing, but experience requires caution. One weak link breaks the chain.
Today, we celebrated. Our son had overall success this week, which meant he earned a 6-hour on-grounds pass.
For those of you not familiar: in most residential facilities, family may visit or come to the center to participate in family counseling as much as they like, but the child may not leave the grounds or have special privileges. In our case, the child earns passes by 2-hour increments on-grounds. Passes gradually step up to off-grounds (staying in the general area) and build up to a pass to go home. Once a child meets qualifications for 48- and 72-hour passes home, discharge from the therapy center is on the horizon.
Before Christmas, our son earned his way to an 8-hour off-grounds pass and we expected him to have a 24- or 48-hour pass by Christmas. He regressed, once again becoming violent and suicidal. The passes were revoked for his own safety (and that of individuals around him).
His recovery from this phase has been slow; once he managed to curb the violent outbursts, he channeled his energy into testing limits. Because of his specific attachment issues, we worked with his therapist closely and kept visits to a minimum if he didn’t participate fully in his therapy plan.
In practical terms, this meant that if he didn’t do his part, we had to reschedule. (This may seem extreme, but it’s necessary for him to learn that relationships require effort on his part.)
As soon as he (finally) completed his requirements, we immediately scheduled a visit. We want him to see that he can trust us and that we’ll show up when he does. Today, we celebrated the ability to visit a second weekend IN A ROW. Swing up.
This afternoon, just before we arrived, another child put his hands on our son’s neck. It was apparently horseplay (albeit inappropriate) on the other child’s part, with no ill intent. In months past, an incident like this would have ended with our son punching the kid in the face. Today, he simply left. He got up, went to his room and slammed the door to let everyone know he was angry.
In the grand scheme, that’s fabulous coping. Swing up.
We had a family therapy session, discussed the situation and commended our boy for his great reaction.
The rest of the afternoon, we played Clue, Scrabble and Don’t Take My Words. (Full disclosure: we utilized several Hypervigilant Game Guidelines.)
He made the first Accusation in Clue, and I was proud because he didn’t get it right—and didn’t freak out. He helped set up and clean up each game. He offered us water. He was polite. He was kind to his sister. He hugged and kissed us each goodbye.
As we walked to the car, Hubby and I agreed he seemed better.
Swing up, up, up.
But what goes up…
A few hours after we left, he called, upset. He started crying. He said he was homesick. (I absolutely believe he is homesick, but my SuperMamaSenses started to tingle.) I asked whether he just felt homesick or was upset because something bad happened.
He said, “yes, something bad happened.” Swing down.
Then he told me about walking into a darkened room with a movie playing. Another specific child yelled at him, telling him to leave. This upset our son, so he began hitting and kicking the walls. He said he might have cracked the plaster, but the evening staff told him he wouldn’t have to pay for it.
That last statement zinged my antennae further, because the admission contract is clear: if your kid breaks something, you pay. Big time. For the staff to say he wouldn’t have to pay…that was just weird.
I asked to speak with the staff member who’d been present.
Turns out, he made most of it up. By the time I found out, he was already in bed, so I’m sitting here trying to wrap my mind around why he might have thought it would be better to change the story. The end result in both stories was pretty much the same.
Actually, our son’s false story described a situation worse than what truly happened, because the staff member said he’s not aware our son cracked any of the walls.
In reality, our son was setting up a movie in the DVD player. There was no darkened room. The child who “yelled at” him wasn’t even present. A completely different child made a suggestion for getting the machine to work, at which time our son flipped out and started hitting and kicking the walls.
Why he would make those changes confuses me. If lies, why? If he somehow perceived reality to have happened that way, well…we’ve got a whole other can of worms to deal with.
The link breaks again.
The real issue is this: he has to learn to deal with peers’ interactions. Whether they’re giving him a suggestion, yelling at him or putting their hands on him, he’s got to be able to react in ways appropriate to the community.
I TOTALLY get that his emotions are raw and that didn’t help. I know he’s homesick. But I have to consider the future.
What if he’s at school feeling homesick?
Last year, he frequently wished to return home from school; he tried to find ways to be dismissed from school. He even caused minor harm to another child. Luckily, the child’s parents accepted his apology; at the time, there was a possibility the incident was accidental. Afterward, we confirmed his intent: he’d hoped the more extreme measure would end in suspension.
What if he does it again? What if he goes further than before?
What if a peer informs him she thinks his science project is crap? What if someone runs past and knocks him down? What if he’s having a bad day and someone suggests he should try a different method for figuring out a math problem? What if one of these things sets him off?
On one hand, I could make myself crazy trying to mitigate what-ifs.
On the other hand, the past predicts the present unless a catalyst induces change.
The what-ifs above are likely to happen unless he corrects his course.
And if he gets upset, throws a chair and hits someone in the head—even if it’s a true accident—he’ll likely go to jail.
He has a great week. Swing up.
He has a bad week. Swing down.
He reacts appropriately to a bad situation. Swing up.
He flips out. Swing down.
He lies. I’m sitting on the ground. Dust off, get back on the swing.
We want him to come home. Swing up.
We want to protect him from himself. Swing down.
Sometimes, I want to hop off the swing and leave the playground altogether.
But he needs me.
So, I won’t.
And your kid needs you.
Let’s just keep swinging.
Posted on April 29, 2018, in Adoption, mental health, Mental illness and tagged behavior, DVD, Game, playground, psychiatric, relationships take work, residential care, residential facility, swing set, swinging, therapy, TV. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.