I Can’t Hear You…
I ask the usual question as the kids clamber into my truck.*
*Yes, I drive a truck. It’s big and black and bad@$$ and NO I’m not a redneck. I just like my truck. And also Hubby thinks it’s hot. So there’s that.
How was your day?
All the parenting books encourage me to “ask open-ended questions!” in order to elicit enthusiastic and long-winded answers from my children. Obliging my curiosity, they answer with enthusiasm and long-windedness:
“Come on guys,” I wheedle, “I know something happened today.” Then it hits me. Ahhh.
“Did your teacher have to speak to you about behavior?”
“It’s all Ellie’s fault,” he explodes. “Stupid Ellie made me have silent lunch!”
I try to catch his eye in the mirror. No dice. “So…how did Ellie make you have silent lunch?”
“I knocked a magnet off the desk,” he says, “and I tried to catch it before it hit the ground and my hand whacked it instead of catching it and it flew across the room and then Ellie said I threw it but I DIDN’T throw it and it was an accident, just an accident. And then I got silent lunch BECAUSE OF ELLIE. IT WAS HER FAULT!”
I wait for him to breathe. “Your teacher seems very fair. I don’t think she’d give you silent lunch just because Ellie said you threw a magnet.”
He wails in rising crescendo as tears fill his eyes.
“If Ellie would stay out of my business
I wouldn’t have had silent lunch.
IT’S ALL HER FAULT because she gets IN MY BUSINESS ALL THE TIME!”
I try to hide my smile. Good thing I’m driving.
“So,” I say, “your teacher told you, ‘I’m giving you silent lunch because Ellie got in your business,’ is that right?”
By this time, we’ve parked at the house. I turn around. “Look at me.” He does, defiant. “I think you’re not telling me the whole story. Tell me from the beginning.”
He sighs. “I knocked the magnet off and it went across the room. Ellie said I threw it. I said I didn’t. I called the teacher over, like you said to do when I have trouble.”
I nod. “And what did the teacher say?”
“She said it wasn’t a big deal and not to worry about it.” He leans back, arms folded. “But it WAS a big deal because Ellie keeps getting in my business!”
“And did you tell the teacher Ellie was ‘getting in your business’ after she said it was fine?”
“Yes,” he growls, “and then she gave me silent lunch. See? It’s Ellie’s fault!”
“You told her about Ellie just once?” I ask.
“Well…no. I wanted her to do something about Ellie and how she gets in my business so I kept telling her about it.”
I see he’s beginning to comprehend the problem. “How many times do you think you told her about Ellie?”
“A bunch of times.”
“And what did she say?”
“That I should forget about it and get back to work. But Ellie ALWAYS does it. And then I get in trouble,” he grumbles.
“So, let me make sure I understand. You hit the magnet accidentally. Ellie said you threw it. The teacher said not to worry about it. And then you kept complaining about Ellie to the teacher and wouldn’t stop when she told you to let it go. Does that sound about right?” I scoot around further in my seat so I can see his eyes.
“So,” I said, “look at me. Tell me—and be honest—whose fault was your silent lunch?”
He glares. “Hers,” he begins, then falters. “Mine. My fault.”
“Because I wouldn’t stop talking when the teacher said to stop.”
“Exactly.” I sigh. “Why do you care so much about what people say about you, anyway?”
“Because they’re in my bus—” he begins.
“Stop.” I say. He looks up. “The last five or six times you’ve been in trouble, it’s because you’re pitching a fit over someone ‘in your business,’ but if you’d just let it go, you probably wouldn’t be in trouble, right?”
“Do you actually get in trouble when kids tell the teacher you’ve done something?”
He shakes his head. “Nah.”
“Right. Because you guys are in the FOURTH GRADE. Everyone knows that fourth graders are some of the biggest tattle-tales ever. The teacher isn’t going to give you a consequence unless she—or another adult—sees you. Right?”
Eyes wide, he says, “All fourth graders are tattle-tales?”
I nod, solemn. “It’s true. Everybody knows it. So why do you care what they say? You know, you should care about the people who can affect your life. Do you know who those people are?”
He shakes his head.
“Your teachers. Of course, you should be nice to the kids in your class, but when it comes to what they think of you…the teacher is where you should focus. No matter what grade you’re in, don’t worry about what other kids say. They’re just kids. And a bunch of them will end up in jail, anyway, so who cares what they think.”
Eyes wide, he peers around my seat. “In jail?”
I grin. “Well, that’s what happened to some of the kids I knew. On the other hand, some of them ended up in government. Almost as bad. But don’t go to school telling your friends they’re going to jail. I don’t need a call from the principal.”
Laughing, he says, “So. I should just worry about what the adults think of me.”
“More or less,” I agree. “Be kind to all your classmates, and if they accuse you of something, just ignore it. Make your teacher happy. You’ll get into less trouble. And seriously, a teacher might even give you a job reference someday.”
He hops down and opens the driver door, squinting up at me. “No kidding?”
“No kidding,” I say, as he climbs up next to me. “In fact, I saw my tenth grade Biology teacher just last month. She told me she remembered a science fiction story I wrote. That was over twenty years ago. You never knew what someone might remember; make sure it’s good.”
He hugs me. “I’m glad we talked about it. Can I put my fingers in my ears and say, ‘I can’t heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear youuuuuuuu’ when they bother me?”
I grimace. “No, please don’t.”
“I’ll try to do more ignoring. But I’m not very good at it.” He shrugs.
“Yeah,” I say. “Sometimes I have a hard time ignoring people, too. You know, when they found out we were adopting, some people told us not to do it. What do you think we did?”
“You ignored them,” he crows. “Good thing, too. Huh, mama?”
Yep. Good thing.
So. How was your day?
Posted on March 21, 2016, in Adoption, parenting, relationships and tagged adopt, adopted, adopting, adoption, adoptive, behavior, family, foster, kids, parent, parenting, school. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.