Adoption = That’s What He Said
My guest author for the day, who would like to remain anonymous, is a friend from Reddit. His comment in our discussion about adopted children reuniting with birth families caught my attention, so I asked permission to repost.
The author as a child, with his adoptive mother. Photo credit is his.
I added the bold below; what are your thoughts on this perspective?
I think your description of the adoptive mother’s commitment and how you would find it complicated for a birth mom to get emotional traction with your child is an important insight for adoptees who are on the hunt for bio connections.
In my case, I was always curious, but in the end I waited many years for my Mom to pass. Then I waited ten more years to make sure my feelings for her would not be damaged, and even then, my children were concerned to not have their grandmother leave their affections.
I think the youthful rush to find an original mom is misplaced, and reflects a ‘grass-is-greener’ attitude, which in fact is exactly the wrong message for everybody.
I have now connected with my bio mom, and some siblings, and we visit and enjoy each others’ company. But I have no illusions; the bio mom did not raise me, and my siblings and I never had to be part of the same family growing up. We have fun, we respect each other, and connecting is pretty easy. But also I am 1500 miles away, and we can all modulate and control our contact.
These re-connections are frequently unsuccessful, and there are many support groups for those who have found their bio parents only to discover they are still not wanted or that there are some very good reasons that the adoption took place. The point is, the person with the commitment and the emotional investment is the adoptive parent, and it is rare for an adoption not to work.
In the end, there is no substitute for good and committed parenting. I read your lines, and that is what I see: a good person, a good parent, have your feet on the ground and are focused on the right things. That covers the ground for producing fine children, and ultimately that is why we are here.
Posted on February 26, 2015, in Adoption, advice, Blogging101 and tagged adopt, adopted, adoptees, adoptive, bio mom, find family, grass is greener, reconnection, Reddit, reunion, siblings. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.