Adoption = That’s What He Said

My guest author for the day, who would like to remain anonymous, is a friend from Reddit. His comment in our discussion about adopted children reuniting with birth families caught my attention, so I asked permission to repost.  

The author as a child, with his adoptive mother. Photo credit is his. 

I added the bold below; what are your thoughts on this perspective?

I think your description of the adoptive mother’s commitment and how you would find it complicated for a birth mom to get emotional traction with your child is an important insight for adoptees who are on the hunt for bio connections.

In my case, I was always curious, but in the end I waited many years for my Mom to pass. Then I waited ten more years to make sure my feelings for her would not be damaged, and even then, my children were concerned to not have their grandmother leave their affections.

I think the youthful rush to find an original mom is misplaced, and reflects a ‘grass-is-greener’ attitude, which in fact is exactly the wrong message for everybody.

I have now connected with my bio mom, and some siblings, and we visit and enjoy each others’ company. But I have no illusions; the bio mom did not raise me, and my siblings and I never had to be part of the same family growing up. We have fun, we respect each other, and connecting is pretty easy. But also I am 1500 miles away, and we can all modulate and control our contact.

These re-connections are frequently unsuccessful, and there are many support groups for those who have found their bio parents only to discover they are still not wanted or that there are some very good reasons that the adoption took place. The point is, the person with the commitment and the emotional investment is the adoptive parent, and it is rare for an adoption not to work.

In the end, there is no substitute for good and committed parenting. I read your lines, and that is what I see: a good person, a good parent, have your feet on the ground and are focused on the right things. That covers the ground for producing fine children, and ultimately that is why we are here.

About Casey

Adoption = my life. I'll give it to you straight. Success, failure, truth.

Posted on February 26, 2015, in Adoption, advice, Blogging101 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! (Looks like you’ve written the beginning of a blog post here.) 🙂 Would you like to be a guest author sometime? I’d be very interested in hearing about your volunteer experiences, and I bet others would, as well.

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  2. I am not adopted, but I have heard from many adults here in my country how hesitant they are at adopting a child because they are scared that the children, upon learning that they are adopted, would hate them and start wanting their biological parents.

    I believe this is caused partly by how our media portrays this (at least in the Philippines). So many telenovelas show variations of how the biological mother was actually frantically looking for her child all along, whom, though he/she was treated by his/her adopted parents,felt like he/she never belonged in the family. Fast forward to the adopted child reuniting with his/her biological parent, and they live happily ever after. Rinse and repeat.

    But in reality, this is not always the case. A lot of the babies in the orphanage where I used to volunteer were abandoned in the oprhanage’s doorstep or someplace else (mostly churches, some even garbages). Many of the little girls and boys there were victims of abuse, neglect, and sexual harassment. What would make them think that their biological parents will want them back? Envy of their friends, maybe? The drama stuff they see on local TV?

    Parenting is difficult. But even more so when your child is fantasizing about what their “real” mom or dad is like and comparing them to you. Maybe, just like in the last paragraph, showing them how good parents actually act and treat them would help “combat” (for the lack of a better term) this attitude or phase, and should they still want to reconnect or at least find out who their biological parents are, they can do so without bias or an ideal image of what they would be like.

    (I hope I made some sense. You did ask about our thoughts on the above perspective and this is what came into mind.)

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